15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Honey I made you some hotdog water
neighborhood watch
