15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
How to woo a woman
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.