15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Sounds like a real hoot.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce