Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.