15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses