Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

shakira sharkira

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆