15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
