15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
