15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
