15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.