15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
(True)
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Follow me for more life hacks.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
