Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear