15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else