Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Somewhere in an alternate universe

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.