Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Passed by a old school Math example today.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

thanksgiving in nutshell

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts