Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice