Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.