15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Has science gone too far?
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
mood
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?