Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.