Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all