Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

welcome back

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

My diet starts in January

of 2027

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*