15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
This was a bad idea all around
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.