Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

I beg you to euthanise me

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?