Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

i hate you platonically

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.