Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*