@mymizztake

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

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@TheAlexP

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@AnkCoupleTO

Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

@spaceboyriley

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@radtoria

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.