15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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New mindset, who dis?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Breaking news:
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds