I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Husband: *buys her flowers*
H: *buys her jewellery*
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.