15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race

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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.


there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”



“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”


Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*


Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.



BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary


I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.


Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.