@mymizztake

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

You Might Also Like

@ninjadinosaur1

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

@YuckyTom

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

@MeetYourDaddy

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

@jctwritesstuff

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

@KKBowls

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@MatCro

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

@SamuelHLowe

I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

@krisv_723

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.