15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
You Might Also Like
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Inside you there are two wolves
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
There’s only one good girl here!
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.