[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.