Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Limited budget

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”