Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.