Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok