15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I love it all
