15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
How software testing works
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.