15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I would like even faster food.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: