1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap