Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

The Onion called it…again.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

God, I love Scotland

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon