1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
every man in east london
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money