Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me