*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems