*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.