Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

I’d hang this in my house.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..