Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

My therapist after every session

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER