Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”