Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT