Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.