15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Finally
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
This makes total sense…
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Who’s ready for Friday?!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.