15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle