Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.