15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Hell yeah 👍
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.