15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
When the stylist spins you back around
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.