Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.