Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.