[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!