Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Taken 9 (2021): She got married she’s with her husband relax man
Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?
Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it