@007Pepe_Rex

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

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@OreoSpeedwagon_

Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.

@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

@Jenny4ashley

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

@Marlebean

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

@Big_Cat74

I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it