Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

😂

Okay this one takes it home

Holy moly

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority