15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
True
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.