15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
don’t be scared
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Orange cat behavior 😂