150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key