150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
You Might Also Like
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????