Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

me hitting on a model

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.