Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE