explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“State your name”
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Me: start a revolution.
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.