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@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@Rich_McCarthy

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT

@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

@daddydoubts

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.