Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Meow?

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”