152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Effort made
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments