[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Animal poetry
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Pat is about to own someone
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.