If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.