Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Bruh PLEASE
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot