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Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994