You Might Also Like
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I’m being attacked 😭
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream