HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight