someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side