If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Message from the dog groomers
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart