the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
his wife is probably gonna see that
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE