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@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

@bingowings14

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@shutupmikeginn

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

@animadvertguy

1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.

2016: IM OFFENDED!

@Whymze

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

@OutOfLeftField_

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

@vanderheydensax

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.